It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you today.
Over the weekend I had a major panic attack. One that I have never experienced before.
I’m going to tell you this story not because I want you to feel bad for me but to understand my side of the story and to understand that Anxiety and depression is not a joke. It will most likely be a messy letter, full of missed used words and missed spelled ones. But there are only so many things my brain can control at this point in time, and I’m sorry in advance.
I am also not writing this letter to be excused from the issue at hand. I’m also not writing this letter to put blame on anyone for how this went about how it ended up. I just want you and people to understand that what you do or say can affect people in many different ways. Words hurt people and sometimes so much more.
It was Saturday morning
when I first opened my twitter and found one of many DM’s accusing me of stealing your designs. My first reaction was to reach for my chest. My heart palpitations were so strong that I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I couldn’t concentrate, my heart started racing, and I started to have difficulty breathing.
I didn’t want to believe what I was reading. My mind was going insane with all this information. The subtweeting, the accusations, tinting my name for something that I didn’t intentionally do. It went on and on and my tears started running down my face uncontrollably and I start to hyperventilate uncontrollably.
I was in such a hysterical mess that I couldn’t explain to my husband what was going on. I couldn’t explain to him what I was reading and how it was affecting me in my head. All I could do was ride the crazy wave of my panic. Which wouldn’t shut down. My mind, took over my brain and wouldn’t stop. I literary had a sense of terror, I was extremely anxious and fearful, sweating, hyperventilate, you name it. That’s how it felt to me for at least 15 minutes of my attack. Which in my head, felt more like hours instead.
I couldn’t believe I was being accused by people and you on twitter. That I was “VERY” inspired by your designs. In no way, was I trying to take no one’s designs. I was beyond surprised that this was happening to me. I couldn’t believe that you, a well know person with a great followship would not come to me as an adult and talk to me. But instead talk in subtweeting on twitter and talk to your friends and have people attack me on my email and DM’s? Intently or not, I would have expect more from you. Instead I’m being attacked by people which caused me to have a panic attack.
I’m a nice person, I would never hurt anyone intently. Ask anyone that knows me. If you would just come to me, I would have gladly explained to you. I would have tried to solve this issue with you. Since I was not giving the courtesy to explain it to you, I will explain it on here to you and everyone. Since this issue caused my friends, followers and readers to look at me like I intently stole from you. As much as this letter is going to cause me pain again by re-living this ordeal, I don’t have any other choice or anything to hide and so I will explain.
As some of you know, I decided to join Society6 and do bookish designs. Because I love books, books have helped me through so many issues in my life and they are very special to me. I’ve seen so many designs all over Pinterest, twitter, Facebook and Instagram. I was “Inspired” yes but by a lot of different people. Not just one. I went in search of patterns and clipart to start my designs. That’s when I came across a website called thehungryjpeg.com. This is a place where you get all sorts of clipart, fonts and patterns. With a complete License, covering a wide range of commercial use for every product included. I loved their bundles, you are free to do whatever with the designs. It’s a great way to get tons of art at one price with a licenses. Which is very important if you want to sell. What more can I ask for, right? So I bought a bundle, I was super excited and started to look at all the patterns and clip art.
To my surprise. You also bought the same bundle. I recognized almost all of the patterns that you used on your designs. I was extremely upset, not at you, no, but at myself because I just spent money. It’s an honest mistake, I can’t blame you or myself. So out of courtesy, I did not use any of the patterns you did. I was very careful not to use any but the bundle was very similar to all your things. I didn’t use the same quotes or the same patterns you did. I wasn’t trying to do any of that. I was simply trying to at least get some of my money back. I couldn’t return the bundle and get my money back.
I tried to use whatever I could, so I could at least get some back. But it seems like it was similar and it wasn’t good enough and people saw it as me copying your designs and you agreed.
If for any reason you felt like I did steal it or you felt like they were VERY similar, why didn’t you contact me personally? Instead, you did something that can cause someone like me to have a panic attack. I’m not blaming you for the attack. I just want you to know that next time to please contact the person first and not say the things that you did. I say this because there are a lot of “other” people out there that have the similar designs as me and you. I won’t say here who those people are out of courtesy because I don’t want them to get attacked like I am by you and your friends.
I’m not trying to take your customers. You are an amazing designer, I can’t compete with you and won’t. I tell people to buy your designs. I even bought them myself. I even supported you with the whole situation you had when people thought that you were trying to cash in on Alan Rickman death. In no way was I trying to cause any trouble. I’m sorry you thought I was. I just thought that I could do it myself. Just like everyone else. The world is big enough for everyone to co-exist together.
Still, on this Thursday, I sit here writing to you. My chest is still hammering hard against my chest. My breathing is shallow and my hands are shaking uncontrollably. I’ve been trying to write to you for 5 days. But it’s been taking me forever. My tears still blur the screen and my thoughts are still all over the place. I keep thinking this is all a big mistake and that it’s all going to blow up in my face even more. But my mind won’t shut down and it keeps running, thinking of what if’s.
What if people hate me?
What if my friends think I did this on purpose?
What if you think I did this on purpose?
What if everyone attacks me?
What if you attack me?
What if everyone hates me?
What if you hate me?
What if they won’t talk to me anymore?
What if everyone hates me?
What if they believe the drama?
What if you spread more drama?
What if they hate me?
What if you hate me?
What if they are talking about me?
What if they are looking at me?
What if they are judging everything I do or say?
What if they hate me?
What if you hate me?
That’s my brain on anxiety every minute of the day, since Saturday morning.
My thoughts have moved on to even a higher level of intensity since then. To wondering what if it happens to someone else? What if the person you were/are talking about, isn’t as strong as me? What if the person doesn’t have the same support system like I do? What if that person doesn’t have anyone to talk to? Or what if that person isn’t on medicine or has a doctor? My mind just keeps going, non-stop with my obsessive anxiety thoughts.
I want you to know that causing drama, talking about people behind their backs, making fun of them. (Intently or not) can cause more damage than you know. Words do more harm than you think. So many people have different types and degrees of anxiety/depression. Some people can’t handle a simple threat, insult, accusations, abuse, or even shame. I want you to know, I was bullied in school. Since I was a little girl by teachers, students and many others. I went through a lot of other things at a young age. But, there was no way for you or anyone else to know that I’ve gone through such things. There is no way for you or anyone else to know that about anyone.
I haven’t been on twitter since Saturday. As a matter of fact I deleted my app from my phone. Every time I opened my phone I saw it and my anxiety would spike. I haven’t fully recovered from this and it’s going to be a while before I do. Every day since Saturday. I been dealing with the symptoms that I have mentioned and more. I can’t sleep at night. Not even when I take my sleeping pills. It still wakes me in the middle of the night, grabbing at my neck, squeezing at my throat. It’s pretty scary not knowing how to shut it down. All I want to do is scream, until my lungs can’t take it anymore. Maybe then I will feel better.
What I’m saying is this. Everyone will react differently and every situation is different. I just want everyone to know that if you have issues with anyone. Be it copying someone’s review, discussion post, art, whatever it is. Contact that person first, in private. Instead of talking behind that person’s back or subtweeting or even in private DMs. Be an adult and talk to them first. I’m not saying to forgive them or be ok with it. Just talk to them first in private. You don’t want your words to harm someone.
A letter to my friends and readers
It is with a heavy heart that had to write this letter. In no way was I trying to embarrass you. I know how drama on twitter can divide people. I totally understand if you don’t want to associate with me after this issue. I will be heartbroken to lose your friendship. Just know that in no way, was I trying to steal anyone’s ideas. I hope you can understand and forgive me.
A letter to you
I wish you would have contacted me and solved this issue like an adult and in private with me. Because that didn’t happen. I had to clear the air here. Not to cause drama or problems. But because it’s what I have to do for my mental health and for other people with Anxiety/depression. But most important for people that don’t understand. That the world we live in today is different and to hopefully teach someone that anxiety/depression is not a joke.
You are someone a lot of young people look up to and I just hope you can be different next time. Whatever you say, people will take that and run with it. Just know that I was strong (believe it or not) and nothing bad came of this situation. But if this had happen to someone else that was younger or not treated for their anxiety/depression. I don’t know what it could have happened. Just please be more careful in the future. You may not think so, but you are popular on twitter and you have followers that follow every word you say.
A letter to my haters
Please stop bullying me. I hope you understand that what you wrote to me was inappropriate and you can hurt people with your words. You need to really look at yourself and think about what kind of person you want to become. Because the one you are now is truly sad. You can post rude comments all you want. They won’t be approved and you will be blocked.
I’ve spoken to my closest family, friends and even my doctor. They all assure me that writing this letter is the right thing for me to do. For my mental health, for my well being and for future issues on twitter or anywhere else in the world. I owe it to myself and the next person, so this won’t happen to someone else. I’m not ashamed of my anxiety and depression and I won’t have anyone disrespect me or bully me on social media. This will also be my first and final words about this situation. It has caused me a great deal of stress, which will take me sometime to recover and I won’t deal with it anymore after this.